How to Manage Motherhood and Writing: Top Tips From Writers Caring for Families

Balancing writing with motherhood

Many years ago, the sun shone on a pretty path through the trees in Banff. I was the mother of a two-year-old and a baby, and I was out for a brief walk with a writer I admired. She had an older son, and I asked her, wild-eyed and sleepless: “How do you do it?”

She turned to me and said, “I’ve organized three hours of childcare three times a week. That’s how.”

Over the years, other writers and women have whispered their secrets to me, and slowly, slowly, I’ve built a writing life which is both rigorous and practical. Through writing books and caring for many children, alongside my mother-in-law with dementia, I’ve learned a few things that have helped me stay on the page.

What I hope is that, for you, something I share in this blog will be both reassuring and helpful, because the most important thing I’ve learned is there’s no one rule or fix for the complexity of trying to write a book while looking after someone else.

My busy, I’m sure, is like your busy—you have kids, or someone to care for. You have responsibilities, paid or unpaid. You have bills and a burning desire to write.

In my case, I have four children, now aged 10–16, and I’ve cared for several other teenagers through the years, including a 16-year-old and her baby. My first book, Life on the Refrigerator Door, was published in 2007, and my second coincided with the birth of my first son, who was a NICU baby for six weeks. When he came home, he had Central Obstructive Apnea for the first two years of his life (think of long, dark, sleepless hours listening for him breathing and obsessively checking when he fell silent, and you’ve got a glimpse of that writing season).

I want to share with you the three things that helped me. Then I’d like to answer some questions other writers have asked me, giving you not only my answers, but also those of other coaches and writers at The Novelry. At the end, I’ve summed up ten tips for any of you who perhaps don’t have time to sit and read all this. Maybe you have laundry to do, or a kid who needs to get to swim lessons, or you just want a nap!

Let’s begin!

Which writing season are you in?

I use the word “season” intentionally because, for me, my first tip for other writers trying to juggle this is to notice which season you’re in as a writer. I’ll explain what I mean by sharing a little about my writing life. What I find now, partly because the children are older (though that brings another set of sleepless nights and perimenopause), is that I’ve got a reasonably good handle on how to get a book written, and this season has a more reliable work window.

I can get up before they wake, without tiny feet following me when I slip out of bed. I can find a golden hour to write most days of the week. As soon as summer hits, that will change.

So, what about you? Are you juggling tiny children? Are you driving teenagers all over the place? Are you dealing with both? Which season are you in as a parent or caregiver?

There’s no such thing as a perfect writing window

After figuring out which season I’m in, I decided to give up on trying to find a perfect writing window. I realized that if I wanted to write a book, I needed to write in the windows of life that were offered to me.

My second tip, then, is that instead of forcing a writing practice or a plan that looks like someone else’s, find the windows that this season offers you and write in those.

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I use words like “daily-ish” to describe my writing practice. While this season is giving me more opportunity to write, there are certainly days when it’s simply not possible to get to the page.

When the kids were younger, I had more childcare support and help, but one of my children screamed and threw tantrums for about five years and has continued to have severe separation anxiety—so, often, the help was for the other kids.

Doing it alone is extra hard: it’s okay to do less 

For any of you managing the writing process without support, please be kind to yourself. Writers who care for children need to loudly say: “It’s okay on the days I simply can’t.”

When childcare fell through, when COVID happened and the kids were home all the time, I just didn’t write as much. I didn’t do the wild-eyed, 3am, “I must get to the page” routine. I just did what I could. 

Five questions about writing and parenting and how to manage both

I guarantee you’re an expert on your own writing life and parenting already, so please just take what’s useful from these questions and answers. And if you need to jump to the ten tips at the end because suddenly you need to pick someone up from school, please do!

1. Time management! Genuinely, how do you squeeze in your designated words-per-day when you’ve got to pick up your little one from nursery?

Two of my kids have ADHD (and I do, too), so time management is a hard thing for me. I set my writing goals very low using a strategy called MTO thinking. This thinking comes from Minimum, Target, and Outrageous goals, developed by Raymond Aaron, and the most useful goal is the Minimum one for me. When life is busy (my partner is away for most of the spring, so now it’s even busier than usual), I set a Minimum goal at a very low bar.

At the moment, for example, my daily word goal is 150 words. On many days, I write more than that, but on some days, getting 150 words on the page is all I can manage. Yet I feel successful by reaching that number, and feeling successful makes me feel good about my writing. It takes writing from the to-do list to “done” and makes it a pleasure!

I work and I’m the primary parent to two busy kids, 5 and 11. That means I’m the one who does all the school pick-ups, runs them everywhere, works from home when they’re off school or sick, makes sure they have Christmas socks for spirit week... I’m basically the household manager. I prefer to write first thing in the morning while my husband is getting them ready for school, a task I negotiated with him to take on so I could have time to write, or when they finally go to bed at 8pm. He also does the laundry and grocery shopping, yet another negotiation that happened since I do the majority of the childcare because he’s often not home until late.
—Stephanie Soebbing, The Novelry member

2. Emotional stamina: how do you tackle lack of sleep (your real-life Dark Night of the Soul!) while still trying to create huge emotional milestones within your fiction?

Oddly, I think sleeplessness helps me write—because it means I read and think a lot. Reading is where all good writing comes from. I’d go so far as to say that reading is writing, so I’m okay when I’ve been awake for hours reading beside a nursing baby in the quiet light of my e-reader. I’ve dealt with a night terror, then lain awake plotting and scheming next steps for my characters. Those sleepless nights have shown me, many times, new ways to write something I’ve been stuck with.

And some days? I take a nap instead, and that’s how that writing day had to go!  

For me, having three kids focused my priorities and made me really examine what I wanted to do with my one precious life (to quote Mary Oliver). Going after your dreams is the best example you can set for your kids. And yes, you’ll have more demands on your time, but honestly (and non-parents, stop reading here) you will have so much more to write about and you will understand so much more about the human experience. As a parent, your world gets bigger, crazier, more emotional, more terrifying, more full of love, more extreme in every way, but all of it will enhance your writing (and your life!).
‍—Tara Conklin, The Novelry writing coach

3. I’ve been raising my children, and I now want to write a book, but I fear it’s too late. Is it?

I’ve found that the writing journey is a winding path and we can’t rush it. All we can do is follow it diligently, learning and growing and trying until we master our craft. What results is not entirely in our control because writing is only a part of our lives and life is unpredictable. Embrace the journey. Trust that your life will unfold in perfect timing.
‍—Melanie Conklin, The Novelry writing coach

I started my real writing journey seven years ago and have four kids (23, 17, 12, and 10) and run my business from home. I sometimes panicked I’d miss the boat or would be too old to be published. It’s just not true. Everyone has their own journey to take and they all look different.
—Nat Bawarchi-Grant, The Novelry member

Time is not running out! I had my first book published at 45 which I wrote when my kids were all under 13. Which isn’t quite the young mum perspective but it is to say that there’s no age limitation on becoming an author!
—Lou Abercrombie, The Novelry member

4. How about newborns vs older children? Is it easier to write when you just have a six-month-old whose top priority is snoozing?

I don’t know that it’s easier or harder to build a habit around writing, because I wrote all the way through having kids. Before I gave birth, we had teenagers who lived with us, and they had their own needs that took time from writing. Still, I found small windows because I know and believe that writing makes me a calmer parent.

I’ve had kids and caring responsibilities for more than 20 years now, and writing is my solace and joy—but so are the kids. Writing during those years was never easy, except for the sunny, glorious days when it was. Having kids wasn’t/isn’t easy, except for those similar sunny days.

Mom of two under four here, working full-time and also working to become a published author. I think ideas find us when we’re ready to bring them to life, sort of like children find us when they’re ready to be born. (I’m a little woo-woo tho ;).) Maybe there are certain ideas you have now that are ready to be written, but others won’t come until you have other life experiences. For me personally, having children has made me more creative simply by the demands of balancing motherhood. It demands you be more disciplined with your time, and it also expands your view of the world. I say: go forth and write what’s in your heart now. If and when you have kids someday, you’ll likely be writing a different book.
—Claire Davidson, The Novelry member

It is possible to achieve your dreams with kids. In fact, I think that having dreams and working toward them helps you to retain some sense of yourself. But it is hard and you have to be militant about it. I proposed for my dissertation and ran for and won a school committee seat while pregnant. I collected data and wrote my dissertation after he was born. It was hard; I vastly underestimated how pregnancy and being a new mother can mess with your body and brain.
—Laura Callis, The Novelry member

I have four kids: 12, 7, 5, and 2 years old. I’m currently trying to write a middle-grade novel and I work. I use my hour of writing time as my “me time.”

I think, for me, learning how to schedule/routine my time took some practice but once you figure that out, it becomes easier to write.

I have heard a lot of people say, “I want to get XYZ done before I have kids...” but there is something so special about getting it done while you have kids too.

Either/or, I’m cheering for you and everyone else who has the dream of writing a novel. No matter anyone’s circumstances, I hope we all achieve our dreams.
—Chelsea Olivio Benefield, The Novelry member

5. I’m scared that if I have children, I’ll have to give up my writing life and dreams. Do you think you can write books and parent? 

I want to go back to that sunny day in Banff. Many years later, I was back there with that same writer, in a surprising turn of coincidences. We went for a walk again, her son grown and my four wild and young. She asked me, softly, “Alice, do you think you’ve sabotaged your writing life by having so many children?”

While I could see her perspective, it wasn’t mine. The mess of it all, the bursts and joys of writing and of children, the noise and chaos of my family life and the books I wrote to keep myself relatively calm through it all—books that readers write to me about sometimes, little lifelines and bursts of joy that remind me I’m a writer, really, even as I juggle supper and activities and whatever else my day needs—all of that adventure and experience has made me the writer I am.

Mom here, to a whole gaggle of kids, plus working full time, and I started seriously writing this year. It’s tough to focus on anything when they’re young, but they’re only that small (to the point where they consume your whole life) for a little while. And even during that time, you have to take time for yourself. As long as you give yourself a bit of time during the tough parts, you’ll never lose yourself. And if you do—you’ll find you again.

Life doesn’t end after kids, I promise! My greatest accomplishments all happened after I had my kids. I defended my Master’s dissertation with a two-year-old... and eight months’ pregnant.

Self-imposed deadlines are good, but don’t look at the “after kids” as a black hole.
—Fatima AlQattan, The Novelry member

I am a mum of three and didn’t start writing until my 40s. I’m now agented (with news soon hopefully regarding my debut). I also know at least five published authors who didn’t start until after they had children (most not published till their 40s) and now have flourishing writing careers. Personally I couldn’t have written some of the things I have without the experiences I’ve been through over the past few decades.
—Talitha McQueen, The Novelry member

Ten tips to help you both write and parent

1. Figure out which writing season you’re in. Find writing windows in that. There will always be chaos, no matter what life situation you find yourself in, and there will always be reasons to skip a writing session. Set a low goal and write a little. It might help lead you to that next sentence.
2. Be kind to yourself if you don’t have help or support. You’re still a writer, even if now isn’t the phase when you get to write much. The time will come.
3. Make writing joyful. Listen to a fun playlist or light a candle (don’t forget to blow it out when you’re interrupted) or something that makes your writing feel like a treat in it all.
4. Find a community. Our writers and coaches at The Novelry give me so much support and education, helping writers discover their stories and themselves as writers every day. With great live sessions, guest authors, and craft classes, I’m always learning and, for me, that’s fuel I need for my writing.
5. What you write over the week is what I count. Some days it’s not possible to write at all. Most weeks, I get writing done.
6. When I don’t write, I am less able to handle the many competing demands on my time, and I’m a grumpier and more stressed parent. I remind myself it’s good for everyone else if I take a writing window and leave the laundry, etc.
7. Taking time to write takes time away from my family members, which means they want and need more from me when I reappear. I remind myself that when I finish a writing session, my kids might be extra needy and full-on. I anticipate there will be extra chaos, take a deep breath, then get to all the things they need from me.
8. When I’m writing, I’m in Flow, and being interrupted feels terrible. But I get interrupted all the time. I remind myself to be patient with myself, with the book, with my kids, and to leave a short note if possible so I know where I had to leave the story.
9. What I want to write is a good book, not a quick book. There’s never a rush, and often the pressure we put on our writing is our own. I check to see if there’s a way for me to turn down the pressure on my writing, and regularly ease a deadline to make the writing both more manageable and, ultimately, more fulfilling.
10. Your writing is your place to play and have fun. I have never particularly enjoyed the playground (my kids used to like it, though!), but I do love writing. That’s my thing. May it always be yours.
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It’s the afternoon, and my children are about to come home from school, and I’m sure you need to get back to it, too, so I’ll finish this with what’s been the single most useful tip for me.

Small bursts of writing have helped me get to the end of my story, over and over. Sometimes, those small writing bursts turn into longer, glorious, uninterrupted sessions. Sometimes not! But when we’re able to be creative, we’re able to bring that version of ourselves to the demands of raising children and caregiving, which require acts of creativity every day.

So even the smallest act of storytelling and creativity helps me feel connected to my writing and myself in the chaos, and I want that for you, too. Take a few minutes today and see where your writing takes you.